Second Guessing Myself

Last week (the week before, whenever)  before I had all of my thyroid drama, my boss offered me a promotion.  I turned it down.  Now for the second guessing. 

Your role in this:  tell me I did the right thing.  Even if I didn’t.  No no, just tell me the truth.  Ya’ know- I did the right thing.  Right?

First let me tell you a bit about the whole job thing.  I have worked for this company for more than ten years.  I like it.  I like my job.  My boss is great.  He’s one of those people who will bend over backward for you.  (As a wedding gift, he rented the reception hall for us!!  Now you all wish you had my boss, admit it.)  I would be happy to retire from this place. 

Flashback four years:

My whole pregnancy I fully intended to go back to work when my maternity leave was over.  My due date was March 29, 2003.  At my scheduled ob visit on January 3 I was put on complete bed rest.  (It was a rough pregnancy.)  So for almost three months I laid (lay, lie, help) around watching paternity results on Maury.  At this time I also realized, daytime tv sucks.  Am I going back to work after the baby comes?  Hell, yeah!  I’m bored, we’re broke, see you eight weeks post birth.

Move forward to March 22, 2003:

E-baby is born.

Move forward six weeks:

Mama, hysterically crying with extra drama, “I can’t leave her!  I can’t do it!”

Baby blues?  Ha, we’re talking the whole baby frickin rainbow here.

After jiggling the books a bit, I am now a stay at home mom.  Hooray, hearts and flowers.

Fast forward eighteen months:

“If I don’t get out of this house my brains are going to turn to jell-o!”

Best Boss calls around this time, “We have a little problem, can you work on it?”

Sure, no problem.  I do it at home and go into the office a half day a week for a couple of months.  It’s great.  I’m happy.  E-baby is happy.  I have a bit of money and don’t have to ask the Big Guy for it.  Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not like he was withholding money from me or anything like that.

I really missed working.  I never thought that would happen.  A couple of months later, Boss agrees to my working part time at my old job.  In January 2005 I am working three days a week, eight hours a day.  My sister-in-law watches my girl and the situation is great.

Boy this is longer than I expected.  Sorry.

Now here we are February 2007.

I work three eight hour days.  The other two days E goes to preschool so I work for a few hours then.  All in all, I am home more than I work, which is what I wanted to begin with.

Last week my boss offered me a promotion.  I said no because I would have to work full time.  I was really thrilled to be offered.  It’s nice to have my work acknowledged.  I didn’t even discuss it with the Big Guy, I just said no.  When I told BG about it, he understood why I said no (Thank heavens!).  But now?  I wonder.  I have never really been concerned with material things.  Don’t get me wrong I like stuff just as much as the next person, I just don’t feel like I have to have the latest and greatest.  Although a new digital camera would be nice.  Our oldest will be in college in two years.  Yeah, you forgot I have two kids didn’t you?  Remember- 16 year old step daughter who I try not to embarrass on the internet?  Anyway, she will be going to college in two years.  Have you seen the cost of college lately?  My house is worth less!  Then there’s the fact she will be driving soon.  Never mind getting her a car, just the car insurance is going to be a huge drain! 

Lately I have been feeling like I am missing out on the E-baby.  That working at all might not be the right thing.  Then the next day I am so glad to work.  Then, not glad.  On and on so that I just don’t know what the right thing is any more.  I don’t think I can stay at home full time  (If at this time you feel inclined to ask me why I had kids if I didn’t intend to raise them, you can take your toys to another playground, I don’t want to hear it) I also don’t think I can work full time.  Maybe when she is in school full time it will be different (which is what I told my boss).

So I didn’t take the promotion.  I still work part time.  I still want to work.  I still want to be with my girl.  I made the right decision.  Right?



Filed under Mama

17 responses to “Second Guessing Myself

  1. Sounds like you made the right decision to me! You’ve got the best of both worlds – a good balance. Don’t beat yourself up! : )

  2. You sound like me! I think you made the right decision because you went with your gut feeling. You will agonize about it and always wonder, but you did what was right for you and your family. Congrats on the offer though!

  3. I think you made the right choice. I wish I could find a job like your’s–one to let me work, make some money and still be here for my kid. When you said you were freaked to go back to work–it was like I was reading my own story.

    And, on a side note: E’s due date was my birthday (is my birthday..whatever).

  4. J.

    Well, even though you TOLD me to agree with you …
    I am. Heh.
    The way I see it, you have the best of both worlds right now.

  5. You already have the answer.

    “When she’s in school full time” because chances are you met 16 yr old daughter when she was just 8 or 10 (I don’t know how long you have been with the Big Guy) but think how FAST those years have gone by. Right?

    You did the right thing because you do see-saw between staying home and working…STAYING part-time IS the right call.

    If I had your choice to make,9 out of 10 times I would do what you did. The 1 time I might have taken the job would be because I was thinking about some big vacation that I wanted to take so the money would come in handy..and then I’d have to have a crow dinner with Great Boss when I went in to say “I think I made a mistake.”

    I think you are doing the right thing for all parties involved..and when e-baby is in school full time, you can revisit it.

  6. Sounds like you have the best of both worlds. You get to have the time wiht E-baby and get to be out of the house. Stick with your gut and know that you did the right thing.

  7. It is absolutely the right decision if it makes you happy. Don’t let other people tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel!

    By the way, I am a total slacker and didn’t know about your radioactive stuff. I’m sorry because it stinks! I remember it all. I hope you are doing ok, and that your sense of taste is ok!

  8. You did what I would have done. Therefore it is the right thing.


  9. I know I already commented but I also wanted to let you know I’ve tagged you for a meme on my blog. Let’s see those ice cream bullets! : )

  10. Second-guessing is dangerous stuff. Sounds like you’ve got a good compromise going right now. And the fact that you keep bouncing between happy to work, not happy to work but happy to be with E-baby, seems to me like a normal grass-is-greener type feeling.

  11. You’ve turned the promotion down for a reason..don’t second guess yourself. It’s in the past…don’t dwell on the “what ifs”…it is obviously the decision you wanted to make..otherwise you wouldn’t have been so quick to say no!! Sure some days you want to work more and other days you don’t want to work..that is normal! If your happy…that is all that matters…as for the money situation…(…) it will all work out. If there is a will there is a way!! You made the right decision….now if you can move past the “what ifs” and be happy with it…YOU’RE all GOOD!!

  12. Yes, you totally made the right decision – it sounds to me like you made it with your heart. Don’t second guess yourself when it comes to spending time with your babies.

  13. Yes, I think you made the right choice. Even though some more money may be nice, you wouldn’t be around (or have the energy) to appreciate it.

  14. okay you so made the right decision. right now you have the best of both worlds, still working but still at home with your children. Material things are just that, family is the most important gift in the world, one that alot realize way too late.
    We raised our children I had a fantastic job as did my husband. Circumstances caused us to take in twin grandkids, them I had to quit my job, then we were blessed to take in my mother. Struggle oh yeah we did, but survive yeah we did that too. Now one of the twins is driving car insurance is through the roof, and get this they graduate this year so it’s college next year times two. But we are family, we all have a home and you know we are all surviving the best we can.
    So don’t second guess yourself you did make the right choice, embrace your family and you will never ever regret it, trust me I know that for a fact.

  15. You made the decision. Don’t look back. Don’t spend energy and time second guessing yourself. Have fun and be happy where you are. Now, if I could just practice what I preach.

  16. Very jealous of your working situation. And yes, you did the right thing. I think you have found the perfect balance!

  17. From the semi-informed perspective of someone who only knows you from what you’ve written here. There was absolutely no other choice you could have made and still been you.

    E-baby will be full time schooling soon enough, that’s the time to start thinking about changing your work schedule. Not before.

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