Flashback: Four Years Ago

I have twenty minutes to get to the doctor.  Damn, it’s hard to shave my legs with this big belly!  I’ll eat after the appointment.  Waddle your ass on out to the car, come on, put it in gear.  Why am I in a rush?  I’m going to have to sit in the waiting room for twenty minutes anyway.  Who cares?  At least you’re out of the house.  These last three months on bed rest have pretty much sucked.

11:25 am  Finally called in for my 11:00 appointment.  Not dilated even a little.  Eh, my due date isn’t even for another week.  Fetal stress test.  What fun, lay hear and hit the Jeopardy button when baby moves.

12:45 pm  Ultrasound?  Why?  What’s wrong?  Baby isn’t moving much, just a precaution?  Ok.

How do I feel about having a baby today?   Why today, what’s wrong?  Fluid is low but baby isn’t in danger.  I have to call my husband.  I’m not packed!

Did you get to work yet?  Just pulling in?  Turn around- we’re having a baby.  I know you’re an hour away- it’s fine take your time.

Thanks, Doc.  Don’t eat?  Wha?  damn

Run home, pack, call mom and sister.

1:35 pm  Holy crap, how fast did you go?  Did you get a ticket?  I’m ready.  First take my picture.  I know I said I didn’t want any pictures but I might regret it, so take a couple.

2:00 pm  Nice room.  Nice nurse.  My favorite doctor is on call all weekend!  Yes!

Lovely ass revealing gown. 

Listen, the fourth time better be the charm, because if you can’t get that big ass IV needle in my arm I’m going to scream, ‘kay?

Pitocin sucks.

6:00 pm Hi mom.  Hi sis.  Yes babe, go have a cigarette, I’m fine.

This epidural isn’t working.  Because I’m so tall?  What kind of idiotic crap is that?  No my legs aren’t numb- I could get up and walk right now- see? 

10:00 pm  The epidural is wearing off again.  I think I’m going to puke.  Stop looking at the bed controls and HELP ME SIT UP BEFORE I PUKE ON MYSELF!

Oh it hurts!  Why are you laughing?  I am NOT a WIMP!  That’s what I heard you say!  Yes you did!  Yes you did!  Butt out mom, I heard him.  Go have a cigarette and leave me be.

11:30 pm  Eight centimeters?  Well that’s progress.  No I can’t sleep.  I just don’t sleep well when I’m not home.  I’ll be fine.

Stay tuned for Flashback:  Four Years Ago Part Two

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7 Comments

Filed under E-baby, Mama

7 responses to “Flashback: Four Years Ago

  1. That had me laughing.out.loud.

    Can’t wait to hear the rest!!

  2. I am waiting for the rest!

  3. WHAT??!! Stay tuned for the rest?? You better not pull a vanishing act until Monday now, lady 🙂

  4. Bring the rest! I’m lovin the way you tell it. You crack me up.

  5. My abnormally long tongue and I are surprised to realize that the little bitty and the twins possibly have the same birthday.

  6. Isn’t it great when the person beside the bed says that it doesn’t hurt. Because THEY know, don’t they 🙂

  7. My epidural didn’t work either. No one told me it was because of my height.

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