The Only Rivets Are In My Jeans

I am having a mid life crisis.

What brought this on?

An invitation to my twenty year high school reunion.

Yes, I have been out of high school for damn near twenty years.

What does one do when one gets an invitation to a reunion?

Why, one takes stock of her life, that’s what one does.

Stock one:  My appearance

Fat.  That about sums it up.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t generally obsess about my weight.  But…lately?  I have.

I weigh (as of Friday) 268.5 pounds.  For my European readers, that is Stonehenge.

How the hell did I get so fat?

Lots of people use lots of excuses for why they are the way they are.  I could use excuses too.

Molested by a friend’s father as a child?  Check.

Alcoholic father who beat the crap out of us on a regular basis?  Check.

Hateful mother who instigated said beatings?  Check.

Thyroid problems?  Check, hell double check!

Low self esteem?  Checkity check check check.

My weight problem boils down to three things:  eating crap, not exercising, not knowing my own value.

My own value.  I forget sometimes that I am a person worthy of good things.  I forget that God did not put me on this planet to be a slave to my emotions thus enslaving me to food.  I forget that I am valuable.   

I generally don’t indulge myself at the negative buffet but when other things are not going so well it all just snowballs.

It’s odd but when I get down on myself I remember something that happened over thirty years ago.  When I was in sixth grade (twelve or so years old) some girls who I thought were my best friends, stabbed me with a pencil.  They said I was so fat and they wanted to see if I would pop.

Thirty freakin years ago!!  I remember it like it was last week.  I remember the sadness and the anger that these bitches were supposed to be my friends.  Most of all I remember the shame.

That’s an awful feeling, shame.  Yet it almost sounds like a friend’s name.  Oh Shame is coming over and we’re going to watch a movie.  Shame and I are going for a bite to eat.  Well shame has been my friend for far too long.  It’s time for that bitch to move on.

I have made a decision.  This is not the life I want.  This is not the life I want for my family.  I want to be here when my kids have kids.  I want to be able to play with Ebaby and not have to stop every few minutes because I can’t keep up with the four year old.  I want to love and not feel shame.

So what’s the plan?

Weight Watchers and exercise.

I did it before I got pregnant and lost twenty five pounds in eight weeks.  Counting points works for me.

I decided to get the at home kit.  With my schedule I can’t go to meetings and frankly I can weigh myself for $12 or whatever a week.  I thought about the online program but I have enough to do online without adding that.  Plus after reading Chick’s post on Frannie’s blog I’m glad I didn’t.  Apparently shame is a frequent visitor on those message boards.

What could I get from meetings that I won’t get at home?  Accountability and encouragement.  That’s where you guys come in.  All encouragement welcome.  I’ll also take any WW recipes or tips you may have!  

I started the program on Friday.  I will weigh only on Fridays.  I also took my measurements, which I will not be posting!  I will retake my measurements once a month.  I probably won’t tell you the actual measurements until I hit hot mama range. 

My goal?  Initially it is to lose 25 pounds.  My long term goal is to lose 100 pounds by my fortieth birthday (August 30, 2009).  That’s two years and four months away so I think that’s reasonable.

I am determined this time.  I hope it sticks.

I also want to invite anyone who is having struggles with their weight to come over on the weekends (since I don’t post until late Friday) and use the comments section as a message board of our own.  No shame allowed.

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21 Comments

Filed under Mama, Weight Loss

21 responses to “The Only Rivets Are In My Jeans

  1. Congrats! I’ve recently had some weight loss success from working out at every possible chance, and by juicing a lot. The thing is, you can’t juice and eat a meal, it’s one or the other. That’s been a problem for me. Just keep your mind on your goal don’t be too hard on yourself.

    I’ve never done WW, but my favorite diet tip is avocados with salsa for breakfast. It fills you up for the whole morning, and despite the fat, is really good for you. I hope WW says that’s okay, and that you like avocados. Best of luck!

  2. You’re so inspiring. Okay, starting now I’m back on the diet. I’ll even skip the starbucks. *whimper*

  3. AWESOME!!!

    I love Weight Watchers, despite the stupidity that is the message boards. I started on January 24th and it’s been really not so bad. 🙂 I was going to say it’s been easy, but some days have been easier than others.

    You can do it! I’m right here with ya sister!

  4. WW is fantastic. I need to get back on track. I lost almost 30 pounds 2 years ago. 2 surgeries later and most of the weight has found it’s way back to my butt. I have some good recipes. I will email you a couple.

    Good for you!

  5. Dude…You are so freakin funny even when you are talking about serious stuff. You are the bomb diggity and whatever I can do to help you, you know I’m here. I’m gonna start posting some WW recipes on my margaritasmeals site so I’ll be sure to give you the heads up!
    XOXOXO! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

  6. brown eyed girl

    Beth…this is a great post.

    I agree…being the “fatty” as as child..is a shame only other people that have experienced it can understand. I was one of them.

    I’ve been discouraged with my weight loss efforts but mine has been from illness as of late.

    However, I’m with you….

    I have a ton of WW crockpot recipe meals..just say the word and I’ll email them to you.

  7. Man, am I glad I don’t visit the message boards on WW. I do the online program, but I don’t have time for the message boards.

    I have a ton of recipes too and good websites, email me….

  8. happyworkingmom

    Good for you! I’m lucky, I never notice people’s weight (except if they are super skinny and then I want to be that way – yes, I do have issues), so I never notice if someone is overweight until they make a comment about it themselves…seriously, I feel very lucky that I view people with “weight oblivious” glasses. However, I have a hard time with my mom…she’s obese, and it has always affected my life. The way it affects my life right now? Knowing that I have two little kids and chances are she won’t be around to see them get married (my grandma (her mom) died when she was 60…I was in 8th grade…I really miss her). I’ve told her this millions of times…I want her to be around to see her great-grandchildren. But unfortunately, it’s not enough to make her eat right and exercise be healthier.

    I don’t know where I’m going with this…only that I’m so happy that you have recognized the importance of your health. It doesn’t matter what you look like, or what size you are (there are a lot of skinny people out there that will die of heart attacks)…just that you are taking care of your body so that you can be there for your kids, and grandkids, and great-grandkids. I know that they will thank you for it…I just wish my mom would think the same way.

    I’m a great encourager…so I’ll be here rooting you on every step of the way!

  9. I loved the Weight Watchers online version, but I don’t do message boards. Ever.

    Hands down, the gals who I have seen lose weight AND keep it off were the Weight Watchers,

  10. Wow. We could really share stories here. It’s amazing what weight loss forces you into, really. As you lose and work to keep it off, you have to look those awful memories and crap self esteem in the face and change it all. But as you work through that? You’ll learn amazing things about yourself.

    Like your story about the pencil, I have a story from eighth grade, when the most popular girl in our class (who hated me, because that’s the logical way to feel about shy and quiet people) learned how much I weighed and held up a sign for the whole class to see, that read, “Molly is a 150 pound bitch.” I look at 150 now for my build and think it’s nothing. But then, at age 12, it was devastation. And I defined myself by that message from that day on.

    Awful.

    All that to say, good luck! I’ll be rooting for you, and hopefully I’ll join you in the next few weeks and finish off this long weight loss journey.

    You can do it!! Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

  11. Good for you!

    My mother has lost about 45 pounds in the past 15 months. She’s not dieting to lose weight – she was diagnosed with diabetes 15 months ago, and has had to make a lot of very healthy changes in her eating/activity patterns.

    Because she wasn’t trying to lose weight, she says the weight loss “just happened”. Heh. Typical of my mother, to be so modest. Of course it didn’t “just happen”. It’s taken 15 months of careful, persistent adjustments. But she’s doing it!

    And you will, too, one step at a time. It can be done!

  12. Wow, Beth….you hit me in the face with a TON of stuff. You are an amazing woman and I admire your strength and determination.

    About WW? Jimmy did it. Lost 75lbs. I’m looking forward to reading about your progress. We’re all here for you…just rememeber: you CAN do this; you WILL do this; and you ROCK 🙂

  13. Beth!!!! what an awesome AWESOME POST congrats on choosing WW I am sure you will be succesful with your reasonably set goals. As far as the reunion goes.. Beth its just years.. thats what happens.. we all grow up, and we all grow older..in my mind it beats the alternative. Good luck .. You have a lot of support around you.. including me…

  14. I had to post one more thing.. I too have those 6th grade stories mine started in 1st grade with name calling.. there are several things that come to mind when I think of how cruel kids can be.. I remember waiting on my carpool to come pick me up after school.. I was standing under the overhang at the grammar school. I was probably in 5th grade.. One of the girls had one of those ink pens with the cartridges in them.. I had on a new white button down shirt.. and this little bitch flung her ink pen at me and splatter the back of my white shirt.. I heard laughter and looked around .. and caught sight of my white shirt.. I never said a thing or did anything.. this same young lady tripped me in gym class one day while we were all running around the gym.. the gym floor was made from textured rubber and when I fell I had a rubber burn on my face arm and thigh.. I can remember this like it was yesterday and this happened over 30 years ago to me.. so I know what you mean.. there are other stories and other scars these people left me with .. but you know something.. in the long run what these girls did to me.. making fun of me.. saying ugly things to me about my weight..or whatever they saw in me they did not like.. it did not make me weaker.. it made me stronger.. and in the long run thats the best thing

  15. Isn’t amazing how you can be scarred for life over the silliest things. I remember moving from elementary school to the high school in 7th grade. That was when the 3 elemenary schools merged into one. I sat down one day at lunch with my “BFF” and she told me to move somewhere else. I was okay at the smaller school but now that we were in high school, I wasn’t popular enough to be seen with. Thus began my determination to never cry in front of someone who just killed me a bit. I cried for days at home. I still hate that girl.

    Anyway… good luck with WW. We’ll all be pulling for you and encouraging you. I keep wanting to try it but the pie addiction is seriously getting in the way. Soon the self control will start. right?
    Good for you to think of your kids and family. They deserve to have you around for the long haul!

  16. Way to go on starting WW. I’m sure you will prevail and reach your goals. From the sounds of this posting you’ve turned a corner. Life has slapped you ‘upside the head’ (love that dopey phrase) and said “Yo. I’m beating you down.” Now it’s your turn to give it a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the teeth and say “Yo back. Bring it bitch!”

    This year is also MY 20 year high school reunion. Whoopee freakin’ doo! It’s like that line in the Pink Floyd song, “And then one day you find ten years have got behind you” Only it’s TWENTY years. WTF?! I won’t be going. I never kept in touch with any of those people. Only college chums have made that cut.

    You going to your reunion?

  17. I’ll be checking you every weekend. And I’m thinking you might just inspire me to get off my fat arse!

  18. Aren’t kids cruel? I think everyone has some type of humilation story from their kid days! What amazed me is still to this day there are even some adults out there that are just as cruel! Shame on them!!

    Congrats on your decision to start ww!! It does really work if you stick to it!! Which program are you going to follow?? THe point system or the core? I use to do the point system and still kinda follow it..although not nearly as closely as I used to! I’ve lost 30 lbs …since starting it last summer..I know not a ton of weight but I’m quite content and still hoping to lose more! I’m sure if I stuck to it 100% I would lose more…

    A tip for you: Make sure you write down everything you eat….no matter what. If you cheat, write it down. That right there is what kept me accountable. I never wanted to write the bad stuff down so therefore I just didn’t eat it!! It was awesome! Good LUCK!! I’m sure you will do awesome and will reach your goal by 2009!!

  19. I am always up to give some encouragement and support!! And, I am willing to bet that you hit that 100 pound mark, long before your 40th birthday.

    It’s funny the little things you remember, usually the bad things.

    I am so excited for you for doing this! You sound like you’re ready and that’s the best time to try to lose weight!

    I’m here if you need any help!

  20. You are going to do awesome, look at the support you have on line!!!!
    I have always had “self-esteem” issues, I am fat, I am ugly, my arm flab, my belly is huge, my butt keeps following me around and won’t go away. I can’t do anything good enough, I am useless, I don’t have any friends, damn even on the blog I think wow I don’t have very many readers, but then hey, I don’t have anything interesting to write. Here I am 55 yrs old and still my grade school, well hell all the school years haunt me. I despise mirrors and pictures of myself. I hate my voice on video recorders and answering machines. I am just this big ol ugly think stuck on earth, for what reason, well that I have no clue.
    You my dear are doing something and for that I admire you and I know you will make it.
    High school reunions, nope didn’t go to any of them because I know those “kids” ( even at 55) are still cruel and I am still not good enough to interact with them.
    You stick to your guns, you have a great support right here in the blog world and you sound very determined. I am here for you too, if that’s any help.

  21. Don’t forget that once we both meet our goal weights, we are going shopping together for new clothes. It is hard to change a life time of thinking and habits but we can do it. We CAN DO IT!

    p.s. I STILL remember the taunts I got from classmates in elementary school. I’m with you. That kind of pain defines us for a very long time.

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