That Super Cool Chick Over There

Tonight’s guest blog buddy is Chick from Jason For The Love Of God.  If you aren’t reading her, you must go to her blog NOW.  Read everything.  She is fantastic.

I Don’t Care If He Wants Me

To the editors of Glamour, Shape, and any other magazine that is in the ladies restroom at work:

 

Really?

 

Your publication claims, in bold letters across the front, that I can:

 

“Seduce him tonight!”

“Be Bikini Perfect in only 30 days!”

“Get the Life I want!”

“Get the Body I’ve always wanted!”

“Dress stylishly from size 0-24!”

“Make him want me!”

 

 

Let’s break this down, shall we?

 

Seduce him tonight”

 

  1. Who is “him”? Because my him? He just worked a 12 hour shift. With idiots. He wants food, cigarettes, and his own bathroom. He certainly doesn’t want me parading around in my less than bikini perfect body trying to “seduce” him.

  2. If this guy is worth seducing, then he’ll understand.

  3. It’s Tuesday. I have to be up in the morning.

  4. Who the hell is going to watch the kids while this “seduction” is taking place? DCS?

 

 

Be Bikini Perfect in only 30 days!”

 

Dude. Have you seen me? I won’t be bikini perfect ever. Not ever. I’m not going to subject mankind to me in a bikini.

 

Also? You might want to think about making claims like that. Remember that case in which that guy sued the dry cleaners because he was not satisfied and they had a sign up that said Satisfaction Guaranteed? I think a lot of chicks could sue you when they go onto the beach and people start screaming and throwing raw fish at them.

 

I’m just saying.

 

 

Get the Life I want!”

 

The life I want involves not having to work. Or clean my own house. Oh, and the house I have now? Not so much. And it also involves me having a bikini perfect body, which we’ve already discussed and ruled out. So I wouldn’t be making claims like that.

 

Get the Body I’ve always wanted!”

 

J-Lo is not willing to depart with it. I already asked her.

 

 

Dress stylishly from size 0-24!”

 

I wouldn’t know style if it walked up and bit me on my considerable arse. I wear Crocs every single day of my freaking life. For God’s sake.

 

Also? That tag-line is just a big F you to the size 26 plus crowd. Please be more considerate of their feelings in the future.

 

 

Make him want me!”

 

Again, who is this guy?

 

Also? Why should I care if he wants me or not? What about what I want? I can tell you already, it’s not going to be “him”. He seems to get around.

 

 

 

So again. I ask you.

 

Really?

 

If you are going to be about empowering women, I’m all for that. But feeding them a bunch of garbage isn’t going to do it. If you really want to help me, please have taglines such as these:

 

“Finally! A pad that will stay stuck to your underwear for more than 30 seconds!”

“No one wants to see your ass in a bikini, but no one will vomit if you wear this!”

“How to get him to take the trash out every time!”

“Crocs! The new Manolo Blahnik’s!”

“Crazy boss? Me too! Let’s have a cookie and vent about it!”

 

 

 

Those? I would believe.

 

 

 

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13 Comments

Filed under Little Help From My Friends

13 responses to “That Super Cool Chick Over There

  1. She KILLS me. And? I agree with everything she’s saying to the magazine peeps. Every. last. word!!

  2. OMG, just when I thought she could not get any funnier. I’m going to have to beg her to guest post on MY blog. Hope I don’t have to get knocked up to get her to agree.

  3. I think I love you, Chick. That was the best. post. ever!

    Feel better, Bethany!

  4. I love that chick! she is the superdee duperest coolest!

  5. Oh crap! I’ve changed my mind. I can’t follow the likes of Chick! Don’t you have any guest bloggers that won’t make me pee my pants?

  6. I love the new Cosmo/Glamor headlines!!!! I would be more apt to read the magazine then! (and really, who wants to read about sex poses if you have to pay more attention to your balancing act then enjoying the act!??!?)

  7. As usual, hilarious!

  8. love it, hahaha especially the bikini ready body, hahaha. I have never nor will I ever have a bikini ready body. Airbrushing wouldn’t even help my body!!
    Seduce him!!! GRrrrrrrrrrrr hahaha have fun, my seducing days are far and few trust me there.
    Love your post, it’s great!!

  9. Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahaha, if I “seduced” my husband, he’s probably have a heart attack! Lmao! Funny ass post, Chick!

  10. Excellent.. loved it.. loved it…!!!

  11. Thanks for letting me guest! It was fun! 🙂

  12. Josoliviamid

    I FREAKIN LOVE IT! True dat, true dat!

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