I am having a mid life crisis.
What brought this on?
An invitation to my twenty year high school reunion.
Yes, I have been out of high school for damn near twenty years.
What does one do when one gets an invitation to a reunion?
Why, one takes stock of her life, that’s what one does.
Stock one: My appearance
Fat. That about sums it up. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t generally obsess about my weight. But…lately? I have.
I weigh (as of Friday) 268.5 pounds. For my European readers, that is Stonehenge.
How the hell did I get so fat?
Lots of people use lots of excuses for why they are the way they are. I could use excuses too.
Molested by a friend’s father as a child? Check.
Alcoholic father who beat the crap out of us on a regular basis? Check.
Hateful mother who instigated said beatings? Check.
Thyroid problems? Check, hell double check!
Low self esteem? Checkity check check check.
My weight problem boils down to three things: eating crap, not exercising, not knowing my own value.
My own value. I forget sometimes that I am a person worthy of good things. I forget that God did not put me on this planet to be a slave to my emotions thus enslaving me to food. I forget that I am valuable.
I generally don’t indulge myself at the negative buffet but when other things are not going so well it all just snowballs.
It’s odd but when I get down on myself I remember something that happened over thirty years ago. When I was in sixth grade (twelve or so years old) some girls who I thought were my best friends, stabbed me with a pencil. They said I was so fat and they wanted to see if I would pop.
Thirty freakin years ago!! I remember it like it was last week. I remember the sadness and the anger that these bitches were supposed to be my friends. Most of all I remember the shame.
That’s an awful feeling, shame. Yet it almost sounds like a friend’s name. Oh Shame is coming over and we’re going to watch a movie. Shame and I are going for a bite to eat. Well shame has been my friend for far too long. It’s time for that bitch to move on.
I have made a decision. This is not the life I want. This is not the life I want for my family. I want to be here when my kids have kids. I want to be able to play with Ebaby and not have to stop every few minutes because I can’t keep up with the four year old. I want to love and not feel shame.
So what’s the plan?
Weight Watchers and exercise.
I did it before I got pregnant and lost twenty five pounds in eight weeks. Counting points works for me.
I decided to get the at home kit. With my schedule I can’t go to meetings and frankly I can weigh myself for $12 or whatever a week. I thought about the online program but I have enough to do online without adding that. Plus after reading Chick’s post on Frannie’s blog I’m glad I didn’t. Apparently shame is a frequent visitor on those message boards.
What could I get from meetings that I won’t get at home? Accountability and encouragement. That’s where you guys come in. All encouragement welcome. I’ll also take any WW recipes or tips you may have!
I started the program on Friday. I will weigh only on Fridays. I also took my measurements, which I will not be posting! I will retake my measurements once a month. I probably won’t tell you the actual measurements until I hit hot mama range.
My goal? Initially it is to lose 25 pounds. My long term goal is to lose 100 pounds by my fortieth birthday (August 30, 2009). That’s two years and four months away so I think that’s reasonable.
I am determined this time. I hope it sticks.
I also want to invite anyone who is having struggles with their weight to come over on the weekends (since I don’t post until late Friday) and use the comments section as a message board of our own. No shame allowed.