Category Archives: Why?

9/11

I don’t know what to say about 9/11 that hasn’t already been said and more eloquently than I could ever say it.

Let me just tell you something I recently found out.

I have a friend, S, who always reads this blog (and never comments).  S has a neighbor, L. 

L had an aunt.  Aunt worked at the Twin Towers.  Aunt and coworkers made it down seventy-six flights of stairs.  Seventy-six!  Aunt and her coworkers got out of the building.  She was exhausted after all those stairs and had to sit and rest a bit.

The Tower collapsed as she was trying to regain her strength.  She never made it home.

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What The Hell?

When I was younger I was a spur of the moment kind of girl.  My friends and I would just jump in the car and go.

Who wants to go to NYC?  Hop in!

Philly?  Let’s go!

Busch Gardens in Virginia?  I’ll drive!

Who wants to go to Buffalo?  What’s in Buffalo?  Who knows?  Let’s find out!  (Turns out not much but hey, now I’ve been to Buffalo!)

Pocono Mountains?  Of course!

Some little town outside of Scranton where a friend’s father had a cabin?  Many times.

I would drive anywhere.

So would someone please tell me why I now have panic attacks when I have to drive on major highways?  What.The.Hell.

Yesterday I had to go to a meeting at one of our other offices.  This involved several major highways, a really scary bridge and a wee bit of city driving.  It also included clenched hands, boob sweat, shaking, dry mouth and praying of the “Oh please God, let me just get there” variety.  Four hours later I had to do it all again.  Only now?  Rush hour has begun.  I seriously thought I would puke all over myself.  Wouldn’t that be some twisted icing on my cake?

I’m an even worse passenger.  When the Big Guy drives, I flinch, cringe, cover my eyes and slam my imaginary brake pedal.  I wouldn’t be surprised if one day he opened the door and booted my fat ass out onto the highway.

When did I turn into this quivering idiot?  Sure, a healthy fear of the behemoths on the road today isn’t a bad thing but damn I take it to a whole new level.  What is my problem?  (Keep in mind we are discussing this one problem only.  Any other problems will be addressed…well not now.)

I have to go back again on Wednesday.  Not looking forward to it.  What can I do to calm myself?  Deep breathing doesn’t help and Xanax is not an option.  So my bloggy good friends, what can I do?  Help a girl out, willya?

And if we ever go anywhere together, I’ll drive and you can hold my hair while I puke. 

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Filed under Mama, Why?

It Starts So Early- Must Be The Water

The scene:  Yesterday morning, in the car, driving to the sitter’s.

The Characters:  Mama and 3 year old E

The Conversation:

“Mama, put on Laurie Berkner.”

“One minute, kiddo.  I want to hear the weather.”

(Are ya’ ready for it?  I sure wasn’t.) 

“You’re a horrible mother.” 

Stunned with stabbing heart pain.  Tears begin to well up.  OMG!  What?!

“Mama, are you sad?”

“Yes.  What you said hurt my feelings.”

Now there are two people crying in the car.

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Filed under E-baby, Why?

Bittersweet

My best friend had a baby yesterday. A beautiful boy, 8lbs 2oz, 21inches, cheeks that beg to be kissed. This is her fourth child. She has 2 other boys & 1 girl. Back in 2002/2003 we were both pregnant with our daughters. We ended up delivering 36 hours apart. It was great to have someone to share my pregnancy with. It was my first but her third and she really kept me grounded, ya’ know, not freaking out over every little thing. Our girls now call each other “best friends”.

In January, my friend (let’s call her S) calls me and says, “Holy Crap, I’m pregnant.”
I reply, “Holy Crap, me too!”
After a little period calculation, we came to the conclusion that our due dates were once again two days apart! Pretty damn freaky, huh?

The Big Guy and I had decided we were not going to have any more kids. We had the two girls, his daughter from his first marriage and our daughter together. Our house is pretty small and adding another person would make it very cramped. Big Guy was turning 49 and might want to actually retire some day instead of working the rest of his damn life.  I have had two miscarriages in the last two years and they really threw me.

So anyway, we had come to the conclusion that we were not going to have any more kids. Birth control should be used. Notice should. Big Guy is afraid of getting a vasectomy and I was trying to convince him that was easier than me getting my tubes tied. No luck. One night the Trojan Man did not join in our lovin’, hence the “Holy Crap”.

After peeing on three different kinds of sticks (I had to be sure, really sure), I proceeded to have a total meltdown. I wasn’t happy. Then S called with the news that she too was knocked up. After talking to her for like three hours, I was actually getting into it. S reminded me that Big Guy always wanted a boy and we had a 50/50 shot at that. She reminded me that when I was growing up me, my parents, sister and four brothers lived in a three bedroom house and what was wrong with the kids sharing a room? S reminded me that my husband is a work-a-holic and would probably never retire anyway. This is why she is one of my best friends.

A couple of weeks went by and we were getting really psyched for this baby. We told only my parents, my sister and my husband’s sister. We weren’t keeping it a secret, it’s just that my brother & his wife were expecting their first and we didn’t want to take away from them. I signed up for those pregnancy calendar e-mails, coupons and all that other good stuff.

I miscarried at twelve weeks two days.

I was passed the twelve week mark, what the hell?!
I thought God was punishing me for saying I didn’t want the baby.
I thought I killed my child with my thoughts.

S listened to me and listened to me and told me in no uncertain terms that I did not kill my baby. I started to believe her. To be honest, there is still a part of me that thinks God punished me for not wanting the baby at first. I try not to listen to that voice.

Fast forward to July. Another friend (D) and I have a shower for S. I was okay through the planning and the party, then I went home and cried.
I get e-mails from pregnancy calenders “You are in your thirtieth week!”
My brother & his wife have their baby in May. A beautiful girl with a full head of black hair!
My friend S has her boy yesterday. She scheduled her c-section so she would be home from the hospital before her older kids went back to school.

My due date would have been September 7, this Thursday. I am not looking forward to that day.

As I said a couple of days ago, it seems Big Guy wants another. I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk about it yet. Maybe in a few weeks. I just don’t know what I want.

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Filed under Mama, Why?

Why am I doing this?

So I can talk to myself without being institutionalized.

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